There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
