Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
