so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
