The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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