Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
