If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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