Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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