My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
