Ketchup is God's man juice
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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