I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
