so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize