Your face is a jimmy john
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize