It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
