You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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