if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
