The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
