did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
