She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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