I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
