I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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