I could make wine with my vomit
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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