I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
