He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
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