I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
