i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
