if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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