i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
