I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
