I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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