I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
