I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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