Swine flu is the new snow day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
