I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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