I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
