I puked a lego.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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