i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
