I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
