Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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