The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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