Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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