The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize