Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This girl is more easily done than said...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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