I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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