I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize