dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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