This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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