fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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