I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
