Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
