So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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