It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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