If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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