One girl and one boy is just not enough.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
