She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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