So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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