Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
