I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i drank out of a bidet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
