What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
